An Unwritten Letter

Dearest Olga,

I earnestly hope this letter will never find you, but if it does, it will mean that I have passed on without saying a proper goodbye, to either you or to Saskia.

I want to open up with an apology.

I apologize for leaving you and the others behind.
I know that the goal I wanted to achieve for myself, for my sister, for my niece, required me to turn my back on the people I have come to care for, but the sting of what I have done will never go away.

And believe it, when I close my eyes, I can see the consequences of my mistakes every night, in my waking dreams and nightmares.

I miss Emily's smiles. Saskia's boundless energy. Katie, period. You. Austerlitz. Billy. All these people that I had to toss aside for even a noble yet bloody purpose.

I regret what happened on that fateful day, killing my comrades and injuring my colleagues. I heard about what happened to Lisabeth - did she make it? Or is her light-hearted attitude going to become another nail in my already heavy coffin?

I should have murdered Campton years ago. Just like how you guys took care of Bowe. Just like how he murdered my father.

I wanted to see you grow stronger, beyond your pain. I wanted to see Saskia grow up into a strong woman, just like her own mother.

Perhaps, if I manage to survive that long, she would come and finally deliver the absolution and the condemnation that I deserve.

There is only one road for me left now. I do not know its twists and turns, but I only know that the end will be a miserable and lonely death for me. After what I've done to the Foundation, to Sereste, to my own teams, to the innocents I performed experiments on, to my own niece, and to you, I deserve nothing but a miserable and lonely demise.

If this letter finds you, then it means that such a demise happened.

Go on, doing what you do best - surviving against all odds.
I hope you will find the means to bring a world where the normal and anomalous can at least co-exist in peace.

With whatever love is left in this blackened heart,

Adrian Knowles Coxwell

p.s.: I may have not loved you in such a personal way, but I would have had no qualms with being a father figure for little Saskia. Another nail in my coffin.

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